the last promise

right now, i just need to write. to  vent. to get this all out before i take it out on kayla. i need to remember exactly what i'm feeling right now so i never let this happen again. i need to be able to look back and think "wow, kid, you are a dumbass. you fell for that?! more than once?!"

fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. but fool me a third time? i am an idiot.

i thought kayla parks was "it". she was...is...perfect for me. she is everything i could ever hope for in a significant other. i fought for three months for her to be mine. she has been back and forth so many times now, i have lost count. tonight will serve as the last night. the promises i made to her will be the last promises i ever make. to anyone. i've said it before, i went back on my word, and i got fucked. i tried so hard to be everything she needed. to be stable footing for her to thrive from and she stepped on my back until it broke. i doubt i will ever walk again. i thought nothing would ever hurt worse than rachael cowan and the things she did to me. i was wrong. she topped rachael. she topped rachael. fucking imagine that.


fool.
fool.
fool.

never, ever forget this pain. hold it with you. tight to your chest until you are it's host. this little alien parasite known as "love" or "hate" or whatever this feeling is, i'm hosting it. for eternity. it will ravage my body, sucking blood from vital organs until i am a husk. empty and void. null. nothing.

remember this feeling.
hold tight.
you don't ever want to do this again.
no girl is ever worth this much pain.