for my own cause

i am a failure to my own cause
a martyr, at best
wanting so selfishly to
hold
cling to what was never there
so i push
and pull
finding a breaking point
sadly, i found yours
the easy way
and i pushed
until i broke
everything we had
or maybe
you were never there
like you said
"i don't care"
but a lie it must be
you can't fake feelings like those
and if you can,
i don't want to know

2010

Let's ask for a better, happier year for us all. Happy 2010!

"Unless it's mad, passionate, Extraordinary love, It's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life Love shouldn't be one of them." - Dream for an Insomniac

a new year, a better ye...wait a minute!

The end of 2009 is fast approaching and to be honest, I must say good riddance. It wasn't the best year I've ever had. Two "bad romance's" has ruined it for me. I haven't forgotten the good times, but you get the picture.

Anyways, I'm starting the new year with a gyno appointment on the 4th and having my last two wisdom teeth out (with potential loss of feeling in my jaw) on the 5th. Wonderful. The forms for the gyno asked about my marital status. I wrote "not allowed". Hopefully I won't have to do that for the rest of my life, but I'll do it on every form from now on.

hundred

One hundred posts later, and I'm in the same place I was 9 months ago. Heartbroken, alone, and pathetically mopey. Everything hurts, so I stopped sleeping. Because if I sleep, I wake up, and remember all over again how I fucked up. I'm at fault. I don't eat either, and I'm losing weight. I can tell, my ring doesn't fit anymore, and I always lose weight in weird places..instead of, you know, where it counts. Like my ass. I'm a wreck. And it's only going to get worse.

Please note, I now have a personal vendetta against Russians. All of them.

karmic debt

i've got it

untitled

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.” - Chuck Palahniuk

letters

I hate the letter V. It's too damn pointy.
Don't even get my started on W.

III

I ask so little of you.

All I want is your whole heart
your mind
I want to be your every
thought
The reason for your every breath
I want to be the promise you keep
the one
you love
the one
you believe
Who you think about before you sleep
the one
you wake up next to in the morning

I want to be
the one
you keep up all night
with whispers in my ear
and bites on my neck
I want to be your everything

Because that's all you've ever been to me.

II

You'd think the cold of winter
would keep this pain vague and empty
Like after you left
My fingers turn blue
black
digging into the snow where they etch
Deep grooves
Like you etched on the walls of my skull
so that I'd never forget

I

Apparently, I write poetry on my phone at work. Here's poem I..of V. We'll see which ones actually get put up

If you're gonna lie to me
try and do it right.
Make yourself convincing;
make the words cut deeper
than any razorblade that's touched
you
but you can't and
you won't.
You don't really want to.
You'll push away
that's fine.
Because I'll only pull you closer.
Perhaps I'll only reassure your fears
that this is real.
True.
But it's all I know how be.

another unidentified poem aka everything was black

"I can't see that road sign from here."
"That's not something you say to someone like me."
"I can't see our future from here."
"That's not something you say to someone you're in love with."
"Ok..food?"
"Let's hit McDonald's."
"Let's."

new

I needed something new. Pretty sure I hate it..I really need to work on this Adobe shit.

an undefined poem

With you, I read between the lines:
The small words used to distract from the truth,
while you run, pushed apart like north and south.
I'll admire every step. Respect
every move.
Like a game of strategy. Trust me?
I think
maybe.
The past is still present in your eyes.
And I beg, let it taint you.
And
Dig
at your soul.
Please, push me. Take my sternum, break it.
Shatter it into impossible shapes.
The things I've seen. Terrible scenes.
But you know as well as I:
That look of hunger in your eyes, it's been there
from the start.

melancholy christmas

Of all the Christmas's I've had in my life, this has been the worst by far. As you get older, the excitement of waking up early to see what Santa brought, eating an early breakfast, heading to church (I'm sure I'd burst into flame now, just walking through the door), and spending the day with family fades into a melancholy feeling, watching your family argue over whether or not those dinosaurs are animatronic while grandma sobs alone in the corner because she's convinced that this is the first Christmas without Grandpa around, and your kids cousin screams about presents.

Maybe Christmas was never all that great? Just a thought played up by my parents to distract me from the things that I now find unbearable?

Happy Holidays and Bah-humbug.

when words fail, music tells all

feeling poetic? not quite.

My sleep schedule is completely fucked. I've no idea why I follow her the way I do, mimicking her movements, her habits. Must be in the way she looks at me.

the people that you've been before

Metric has been one of my favorite bands lately and I must say, they do a damn good cover of this Elliott Smith's song "Between the Bars". Check it out:

end of semester

It can't come soon enough. I've only got 16 one-page papers, 2 four-page papers, 2 reading quizzes, a final portfolio, and four final exams until I can relax for a month. Unfortunately, this break includes a number of doctor appointments, including surgery to have my other 2 wisdom teeth out. Lucky for me, it sounds like my girl is coming to take care of me. What can I say? I love her.

design

It's decidedly been far too long since I have done anything with Adobe Photoshop. I'm gonna start this graphic design thing back up..maybe design some websites or something.

long time coming

It's been a while, no doubt. This girl's got me feelin' so crazy. Here's some good music to make up for it.

rollercoaster

I'm a fuckin' tycoon. Bad joke? Not a joke at all? I'm not sure, it's almost 4am and I'm fuck tired, but there's this girl and she's definitely keeping me up. This week went from shitty to awesome in about 3 seconds.

further t&s updates

I've officially pre-ordered a mildly expensive Tegan & Sara cd/book combination. It will be well worth it, I can tell just from the first single off of their album "Sainthood" called "Hell", which can now be purchased in the UK and the US on itunes. Also, you can hear it here. I love them. Planning a potential Canada road trip to see them live.

new t&s

Some new Tegan & Sara tunes have popped up on YouTube, stuff they've been testing on their early tour dates. As far as I can tell, they've played quite a few. Here are the ones I've found. So far, I really love it. Good, good, good music. Funny girls. Check the vids, y'all.

off switch

It's nights like these I wish my brain had an off switch. I find myself laying in bed, eyes closed, thoughts racing, heart pounding, contemplating anything and everything, unable to sleep. And so, I travel. Back and forth, from computer to television to a book, I can't seem to find quiet within the walls of my skull. Maybe soon. Maybe soon.

love's a losing game

It's been a while. I realize. Central has kept me insanely busy.Between school, trying to find a job, road trips, and trying to keep up with my writing/reading and music, it's been tough. Point being...uh, I'm on an Amy Winehouse kick? Yeah, that's it. Check out "Back to Black" and "Tears Dry On Their Own" (can't embed the second). Good tunes.

new low?

I'm officially applying for jobs in low places. Burger King, McDonald's, drug dealer...I swore I'd never go there, but it's happening. Efmylife...

indecision

I turned in a short story entitled "The Addict" to my creative writing class and the teacher had very few negative things to say about it. Nothing negative at all, really. Just a few spelling errors or things that he felt were a big redundant. And I've had multiple other people read the story and they all said "look into getting this published". I'm not sure what to do, though. It's ten pages but a fast read. Ten pages is too much for most magazines and the like, and CJ and a few others have suggested that I turn it into a longer story. I'm going to give it a shot and see where it goes. But look out publishing world, here I come!

if i could turn back time

Now that Cher is stuck in your head, please check out my good friend CJ's blog Five Fishes. "Five Fishes is here to bring book and music reviews periodically, but more importantly, to publish fiction and poems by aspiring writers every other Friday." CJ is a brilliant and talented poet, writer, and musician and it'd be pretty awesome to see his site turn into something huge. Oh yeah, and his PureVolume is pretty fucking sweet too.

things i should be doing

I should be studying. Or reading. Or doing something worthwhile. Instead, I am not..good times. Labor Day weekend was a blast. It was nice to see family and friends. Let it also be noted that I won at poker. And that NEVER happens.

somebody loves me

I could not ask for more. The lovely Kate Moennig wearing some awesome Broken English Jewelry. Sarah fuckin' Shahi in the pool, oh jesus. Today is a good day.

hubby hubby

"Ice Cream Company Renames “Chubby Hubby” to 'Hubby Hubby,' for the Month of September to Celebrate Gay and Lesbian Couples Getting Married in Vermont". Ben & Jerry's is quickly becoming even more worth the $500 a gallon. Check it out.

windows 7

I am currently blogging from my Windows 7 desktop gadget. How fucking cool is that? If only there was something for Pandora.

enough

I have had enough. Enough with these pitiful straight girl crushes. Enough with the douchebags partying on Wednesdays nights outside my window. Enough procrastinating. Enough lying. Enough homework. Enough traveling. Enough stress. Enough is enough.

i haven't a thing to do

lots of videos

I realized that I've had nothing but videos. But at least it's good stuff. Here's an interesting song by and interesting band. And another:

this is still funny

talk shit, get hit

I'm making an honest attempt to stop talking shit behind people's backs. All it does is come back to bite you. It causes more problems that could easily be solved by just telling the other person or people what you're thinking. It's so hard to say way you mean sometimes. And I know that, I've had issues with that, and it's gotten me nowhere. So, fuck it. I am done. I just wish everyone around me would stop telling me about their beef with everyone else. You can't change things unless you talk to the person.

the addict

NO LONGER AVAILABLE

pretty bird, pretty bird

Jenny Lewis is quickly becoming one of my all time favorite artists. And there isn't a whole lot better than a Jenny Lewis/Elvis Costello version of Lewis' song "Pretty Bird".

just like heaven

First, the original: "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure The Lryics Embedding was disabled, so Youtube can just piss off for now. I really love this song. I've never been a huge Cure fan, but I enjoy their music on occasion. However, I am now obsessed with this song because The Watson Twins have redone it and it's a bajillion times more amazing. Here's the studio version: And them live: I am so in love with their version.

writing

"All writing is rewriting." - Ernest Hemingway Truer words...okay, I'm sure truer words have been spoken. But that is fact, my friends.

It's only been forever.

Madness means time for lists. Here is a list of things that have gone on since my last post: * Moved up to Mt. P. The new apartment is fab! My room is awesome and I love my roommates. * Speaking of roommates, Leah and I went to Mainstage to join a few groups, needless to say, Kristine, Leah, Anthony, and maybe a few other people are joining the gay/straight alliance with me. * I had my first intro to Creative Writing class yesterday. Echelberger is going to be an amazing teacher. I officially love CMU. * Leah and I got everyone addicted to Dexter. Two seasons down, one to go before season three starts! * Livin' ain't easy when you got no money. The job hunt continues. * I am currently eating toast with jelly and coffee that I made in my $7 coffee pot. *I went to the Salvation Army and found an OU mug and a Texas mug for a dollar. I ran 'em through the dishwasher twice. * At Mainstage (I realize this list is scattered) I talked to the campus Dems, and wrote an angry letter regarding the removal of the Michigan Promise Scholarship. ("Fucking ridiculous! A promise is a promise!") It's only $1,000, but that's a lot of money to a college student. Who knows, maybe I'll get more involved in that political stuff. * There's a record company (sorta) on campus. I need to be a part of it. * Blink-182 was AMAZING live. Really good concert. I think that's it for now. I'll post pics of the apartment in all it's glory, later.

i'd lose my mind

normal?

I cannot seem to get to bed during any sort of "normal" hour. I get sidetracked and end up writing something or scribbling on something or watching a remotely interesting television program. Night owls are supposed to be creative. But, perhaps, I am not creative and I just drink way to much fuckin' coffee. Yup, that's gotta be it.

your rails have always outrun mine

something new

I get bored easily. It happens. I used to fill my "bored" time with graphic/web design. This was also "back in the day" when I would play Neopets. Needless to say, after I stopped being 12 years old (okay, okay, I was like 16 when I finally quit), I lost interest in keeping up with that stuff. But, I am going to download Adobe Photoshop CS and learn my way through yet another program on my own (last time, it was PaintShop Pro, a much more user-friendly version of the Adobe software) and completely redesign this blog. I enjoyed doing that sort of thing before, and I shouldn't have stopped in the first place. This layout is a very...lame attempt at designing something. The only really cool thing is that I now have fishy friends underneath all of the intro, twitter, archive crap. We'll see where this goes.

yuuuup

Yup, you bet. This thing is a fuckin' mess. Gimme a few to figure out my shit. I'm gonna try out this web design shyite again.

hey mama, rock me

Old Crow Medicine Show opened up for DMB. They were really great live and I was thrilled when they played one of my favorite songs of all time, "Wagon Wheel". Wagon Wheel lyrics are based on an original chorus by Bob Dylan, penned as Rock Me Mama in 1972 for the film soundtrack to Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. Here's the lyrics; Headed down south to the land of the pines And I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline Starin' up the road And pray to God I see headlights I made it down the coast in seventeen hours Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh I can see my baby tonight So rock me mama like a wagon wheel Rock me mama anyway you feel Hey mama rock me Rock me mama like the wind and the rain Rock me mama like a south-bound train Hey mama rock me

Runnin' from the cold up in New England I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time stringband My baby plays the guitar I pick a banjo now Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave But I ain't a turnin' back To livin' that old life no more So rock me mama like a wagon wheel Rock me mama anyway you feel Hey mama rock me Rock me mama like the wind and the rain Rock me mama like a south-bound train Hey mama rock me Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke I caught a trucker out of Philly Had a nice long toke But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap To Johnson City, Tennessee And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun I hear my baby callin' my name And I know that she's the only one And if I die in Raleigh At least I will die free So rock me mama like a wagon wheel Rock me mama anyway you feel Hey mama rock me Rock me mama like the wind and the rain Rock me mama like a south-bound train Hey mama rock me

DMB @ DTE 07.28.2009

Last Tuesday I finally got to see Dave Matthews Band perform live at DTE for the second time in my life. I would just like to say that the show was spectacular. They band looked fresh and like they were really having a good time. Dave, Carter, Boyd were supported on stage by Jeff Coffin (of Bela Fleck and the Flecktones), Tim Reynolds (a phenomenal guitarist), and of course Rashawn Ross. Other than the fact that Halloween wasn't played, it was a really great set list. The integration of Big Whiskey into some of their older stuff is really the most interesting part of it all. Really, really enjoyable.

The Set List Proudest Monkey Satelite Funny the Way It Is You Never Know One Sweet World [Swim Naked Outro] Shotgun [tease] Squirm Lying in the Hands of God Burnin' Down the House Lie in Our Graves Alligator Pie Jimi Thing [Sexy M.F. Outro] Seven Dancing Nancies Warehouse Why I Am Shake Me Like a Monkey Still Water [Partial] Don't Drink the Water Encore You & Me Time Bomb [1st & 2nd Chorus Reversed]

I was really excited to hear all of the new music played live and it was better than I had imagined. It was also good to hear some old favorites of mine like Lie in Our Graves and Warehouse. Dave did some really fun scat stuff too and I danced like a stoned white kid. It was amazing. I cannot wait for next year. Perhaps a road trip to Alpine or a bigger venue than DTE is in order.

i call this one "to stray from the path"

He walks

He believes

He relaxes

Just like a normal man

He dances

He works

He plays

Livin’ fast he can

‘Til he met that boy

Who took him to the river

Hold his head under the water

Told him to rethink

Taught him how to touch the sky

Now all he can do

Is think ‘bout what he’s learned

He sits

He doubts

He panics

‘Cause that boy put ideas in his head

He trembles

He shakes

He shudders

Knowin’ that he’s been lied to

People tellin’ him who to be

Now he don’ know what to do

Except sit,

And doubt,

And wonder what would happen

If he chose another way

‘Cause that boy put ideas in his head

And damned if he’ll forget

How to touch the sky

drugs

When I'm doped up on drugs post-wisdom-tooth-removal, I am a self-proclaimed DMB expert. I really wish I had video. Mom said I was pretty entertaining. However, drugs get less fun as time goes by. Vicodin + Anesthetic + Antibiotics = recipe for the pukeys. Yuck.

jerry

Whilst leaving the hospital after leaving my Papa (he fell, broke 9 ribs, collapsed a lung, and fractured his pelvis in two places) my mom and I noticed a small bird attempting to fly in the parking garage. He was clearly exhausted and possibly hurt. Which was upsetting. Being the animal lovers we are, we decided to rescue him. After all, Pontiac is not the best place for goldfinches to be. The security guard lady, who noticed us staring and deciding what to do with Jerry (I named him Jerry), said that one of the assholes who worked as a guard was walking around, knocking down nests. Mom literally walked up behind him, picked him up, and put him in the box. He looked similar to this: I sat in the back seat of the car and making an honest attempt to keep him from trying to fly. Loose bird in the car...not exactly ideal. He eventually fell asleep in my hand. When we arrived home, I went tromping through the neighborhood looking for a cage so that we could feed him and keep him safe until he could fly. He then pooped in my hand. To be fair, he tried to be courteous but I was holding him and making sure he didn't get caught by a cat. Walking back to the house with a cage, Jerry decided that he could fly and perched himself about ten feet up in a tree on the side of the house. I was quite sad to see him go, but I suppose LOtown is a better spot to grow up that Pontiac. Right?

dreams do come true!

So, given that I have no life beyond working, watching The Office, and playing Nazi Zombies with the cool kids, I spent some time reading IMDB chat boards on The L Word. Come to find out, one of my favorite characters that entered pretty late in the show is most definitely a very hot lesbian. Clementine Ford. Random blog, I know. But you can find out some awesome information on the World Wide Web. I really don't know why I find her so attractive. I'm just sayin'.

and we looked at them eleven ways

I really envy people who can brush off all of the little things that happen to them and walk with their head held high, never doubting themselves. I wish that I knew how to be like that. I want to be able to handle problems and not question myself the second that the decision is made. There are few circumstances in which I have made a decision and not questioned it. The way that I handled the situation with Hannah was something I questioned for weeks. I honestly thought about writing her and begging for a second chance at friendship. But yesterday I realized how right my decision was. Her moving out of the dorm and cutting off all contact with me was the best thing that has ever happened. She was a horrible friend to me and a terrible, shallow, narcissistic, pathetic excuse for a human being. I feel nothing but sadness and pity for her knowing that she is stuck "in the closet" like that and has sunk so low that she outs me to other people and tries to make herself look like the victim. It's humorous and, in the end, I rise from the burning ashes that was once our friendship a better person.

"Prayer in the Pentagon" by Robert Dederick

Nine planets, Sir, endlessly circle, Sir, one yellow star among Sir's galaxies: Pluto Neptune Venus Jupiter Saturn Uranus Mercury Mars and this- this watered and this aired this favored one where all that crawl and swim and fly and run that drove and swarm and herd and flock are in with tooth and leg and lung and claw and fin created clothed and colored are by Sir Eight colors (counting white) Sir's rainbow makes when whiteness on Sir's broken waters breaks arched over tidal blue and branching gray and grazing green and foaling brown down and away with gorsing yellow glow and honeyed hay and petalled blush and mottled winging whir; the limpid eyes each of Sir's colors wakes dark-irised are and cleared and curved by Sir Seven tossing seas Sir's pent-up lands divide where silver shoals in aching green-ness glide turn suddenly and dart and flatly lie break surface plunge and from each other hide and stare as though by staring they aver what sweet surprise had widened each wide eye that once looked early on creating Sir Six senses there were then in us who were salt-tasting all along the salt-scented shore who felt crust cool and looked on shrinking sea and heard gull-cry on draining estuary and found back of these five a something more a sense of self and back of self--Sir Five fingers though (counting a thumb) were what we mostly were aware of as we fought Sir's elements and cleared Sir's forests and sought creation-wise new metalled ways to go by spinning wheel and wing off runway. So? Four quarters of our world began to grow too few and of Sir's yellow star we thought equations scribbled bubbled in retort distilled its hot explosive secrets. So? Three questions pose themselves now as we wait: did Sir not know how to end what Sir began? Or could we choose? Or did Sir always plan? Two hands of ours to bring us soon or late bent to destroy what the hands of Sir had wrought One day when we and all our world are brought to Nought?

eyebrows

Everybody has 'em, everybody looks weird without them. Do not draw them on. Please and thank you.

strange things are happenin'

I'm in a really odd place in my life right now. I feel strange and awkward and like I don't know what to do with myself. Honestly, it's like being back in middle school. Only I already have boobs.

jump on it

Why is it that I can't just be done with other people's stuff? Things I don't need to worry about or deal with are constantly worming their way through my brain, blocking out any other possible thoughts. You live and you learn.

fireworks and "power bracelets"

she gonna teach me how to swim

That's right, three posts, one evening..er, early morning. I'm wired. This is the first day in what feels like forever that I don't have to wake up at 9am to work out and go to work all day. No complaints, I'm making decent money, but it's exhausting. But today is July 4th, and it's BBQ time. Fireworks and good times with good friends. I'm really looking forward to the next few days and the rest of the summer. Despite the hardships of this past week, life really does not get any better than this. "Fact: Bears eat beats. Bears. Beats. Battlestar Galactica." "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!" Yeah, I'm addicted to The Office.

june playlist (just a tad late..)

summertime, summertime

I cannot believe I haven't posted in so long. I guess it's just been a crazy week. I've need to write about a million and one different things, but never found the time. To sum it up briefly, family drama sucks, haircuts are okay, and I suck at poker. I'm cutting any and all drama from my life. NJani is here...permanently, I hope! Central is quickly approaching and I'm pumped. Plans to go to MQT feel through, and I am wicked bummed. NJani and Kristine and I hit the mall for some "non-shopping"..I got a cool shirt. This also happened: Gotta love it. Also, new haircut. I think I like it.

rest in peace king of pop and charlie's hottest angel

A sad day in Hollywood. Farrah Fawcett, most famous for her role in Charlie's Angels, lost her battle with cancer. For some reason, this hits home for me. No, I've never lost anyone to cancer myself, but it hurts all the same. She was a hottie until the day she died. The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, suffered cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead this afternoon. A bizarre man, whom, in his lifetime, managed to transform himself from average African American male to one of the creatures from his most famous music video, Thriller, avoided allegations of molesting small boys, and built his own "Neverland". Despite his many...oddities, you have to respect the man. He changed pop music forever.

old habits die hard

I drove to your house, walked to your doorstep, and found myself unable to breathe. So, I turned around and left.

we're just animals

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." - George Orwell It makes a hell of a lot of sense, no? I'm not talking humans slaughtering cows for food and how "wrong" that may or may not be. Fair or unfair, it's the food chain. Kid's gotta eat, right? But us, the human animals, we're all equal. Except for when it comes to the bullshit like our sexual orientation, race, and religion. Millions, if not billions, of people are persecuted on a daily basis based on factors that they cannot control. They are given different rules to abide by and different rights. And that, my friends, is pretty fucked up.

kissing is crazy

I spent my Saturday evening discussing kissing with NJani. The basic gist of the conversation goes something along the lines of: If you're kissing a bad kisser, it makes you a bad kisser as well. But does that mean that if you're kissing someone, and they're terrible, that they are bad at it and making you bad or are you bad at it and making them suck? Is it just a vicious, incurable cycle? I think that if you kiss the right person, regardless of how good or bad the kiss may be, it will feel right.

eight

It's been eight days, I figured I should say something. I have so much to write, but work early tomorrow morning and I promised myself I'd be asleep by one am. However, I really feel like getting out of bed and doing something stupid and adventurous.

when it rains, it pours

I love the rain. It's inspiring. It's calming. I just want to cuddle up with someone and watch movies or listen to music or write all day long. Oh, and never leave bed.

do-over

do-over. please and thank you. stupid, stupid, stupid.

t w o AM

I feel more broken but less shattered. I want nothing more than to sleep until the years end. I am empty and godless and I don't know what I am doing. I am happy. I am whole. I am a contradiction. It is two am and I cannot stop thinking about seeing John, lying there in that casket that looked to small for his body, his wife and daughter weeping over the lifeless lump that was once a husband, a father, and so much more to so many people. Why do we understand that life is short yet nobody seems to take advantage of the time that we have. So much wasted time. People and time and wasted space and places to be and rules to break and thoughts to have.

there are six men on the ice

Yesterday's Wings game was a bit of a disappointment. First off, props to the Penguins. They played well...okay, they played better than the Wings did. And, shit, I hate Crosby as much as the next guy, but you have to admit that he's talented. He just so happens to be the world biggest crybaby too. But had the referee's been paying any attention whatsoever, they would have picked up on some of the things happening on the ice, i.e. SIX MEN BEING ON THE ICE FOR WELL OVER 20 SECONDS. And they didn't call it. The usual bullshit, accompanied by NBC's terrible commentators (the Nothing But Crosby Network), made for a hell of a game. On the plus side, the Wings will be back on their toes for game 4, kill the Pens, and come home to win the cup. Here's an interesting note written by my buddy Justin. I enjoyed it: "Why I hate Crosby, NBC, and Gary Bettman" First of all, I have nothing against the talent that Crosby does have but there are a few things that i need to vent casue i am pissed for a couple reasons. WE all know that NBC broadcasts "Noting But Crosby" and it is getting quite old. I found out that Garry Bettman, CEO of the NHL, who i was starting to take a liking to because of how he handled Phoenix's bankruptcy issue, has spent over Five Million in advertisements to promote this "getting revenge" type commercials on NBC telling the fans that this is Crosby's year to shine and win the cup. Yes he is a skilled player but COME ON!! I haven't heard anyone talk about how the last time a team has gone back to back champs by facing the same team twice hasn't happened since 1978 by Montreal. Of course not, why would NBC or Bettman want to promote anything positive about the Redwings when we have some media whore like Crosby. Then i got to thinking of why Bettman has this "Pro-Pit" attitude and of course it comes down to how much money is in his pocket. Think about how much we all hate the fact that Crosby is who he is. He has a huge fan base all across the world and that is all thanks to the media blowing his beardless face up for everyone to worship. If Bettman was to have ads running on NBC about Zetty and Paval or Ozzie going got back to back cups, he would have less money coming in from ticket sales and jerseys and ratings compared to Crosby ads. It is a smart move financially, but we are all very fortunate to live in the time that we do because the Redwings are true sports dynasty that doesn't seem to stop growing and the media, NBC, is doing a great job of neglecting this fact. With that said, casue i am getting even more pissed spending my time typing this out, I have one last thing to rant about. NBC and Ray "Doc" Emerick, bald guy with glasses who screams like a 5 year old when Crosby touches the puck, felt that it was necessary to inform the viewers @ home about where Crosby was sitting on the bench when Talbot scored the second goal. WTF does that have to do with the ongoing play. I know you all have listened to at least one bullshit Crosby name drop in a game but this is getting old. Away from the skill aspect of the playoffs, this isn't a entertaining playoffs when it comes to the broadcast it self because of this simple map. Crosby is a lil bitch and loves the media cause of his age and people have said that he will break Gretzky records. NOT GONNA HAPPEN EVER! Emerick works for NBC and he cant stop talking about Crosby cause he is getting paid top dollar from the NBC heads. NBC is getting a shit ton of money from Garry Bettman cause the simple fact that he will make more money off of Crosby than the wings in advertisements.... In short, This is all Garry Bettmans fault. I am done, pissed, and really mad @ the refs for their piss poor performance in game 3 (6 MEN ON THE ICE FOR 26 SECONDS... No Too many men call.) and I hope that this informed you somewhat cause i have lost focus on why i started making this. lol Wings in 5!

gonna take a boat to the end of the world

Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King was released today, and I must say, this album is something. Quite a few of the songs have a real 'Louisiana Bayou' feel to them. It's all very jazzy, very funky, and definitely a good summer album. At this point, my top three tracks are: 1. Why I Am 2. Shake Me Like a Monkey 3. You and Me But, let's take two steps back for a moment. I just want to mention last night's concert, real quick like. Keeping things short and sweet, DMB played live at the Beacon Theatre last night and it was televised nationwide on Fuse. It was mainly a way to hype their album, which was released less than two hours after the concert was over. My only complaint was that they played so many new songs right from the get go. I really wish that they had mixed it up just a little more. But, like I said, it was to hype the new album. He opened with 'Funny the Way it is' but did not neglect some old favorites including 'Two Step' (the song that made me fall in love with DMB), 'Ants Marching' and 'Grey Street' (my all-time favorite song. I get chills every time I hear it.). Overall, a pretty spectacular performance. The whole band seemed to be having a lot of fun with it and, let's face it, that funky white boy dancin' Dave and Stefan were doing was wicked.

a blog via bullets

So much has gone on in the last few days, weeks, months, etc. that it's beginning to be slightly overwhelming. In a good way, for the most part. Just to skim the surface: - I've been playing a lot of poker (Texas Hold 'Em and, on occasion, a little five-card draw), and I have consequently learned quite a bit about lying, cheating, and winning back my freakin' money. - I'm trying a new "outlook on life", i.e. being as productive as possible. This includes changing my eating habits, cutting out pop (or soda, as some strange folks call it), working out on a regular basis, and eating smaller portions. Not only am I trying to live healthier, but I'm trying to be less negative, judgmental, and more patient with people. Also, cutting down on swearing. So far, so good. - Branching out in my taste in music. No, I don't like majority of the shit they put on the radio. I will listen to it, mock it, and eventually end up enjoying the occasional song. I've found myself listening to a lot of folk and oldies lately. Strange, but good. - The Wings Game last night was BEAUTIFUL. Thanks to a good friend of mine, I got to tag along and watch them win 3-1 and see Zetterberg throw down with pretty-boy Malkin. More on this later today. - DMB concert is tonight. Heading to Anthony's around 8pm to play some poker and listen to them jam. - NJani is staying in MI indefinitely. I cannot begin to describe how ecstatic I am. That girl...she's my person, she's my rock, she's my best friend. I can't imagine how I would have survived without her this past year. - The funeral for John is Wednesday. Jackie isn't exactly doing very well. Can't blame the kid. I just wish there was something I could do. - On a final, and much lighter note, the new DMB album comes out tomorrow. I plan on spending majority of my day listening to it finally indulging in some new tunes. I've been avoiding listening to the entire album (I've only heard two songs in full, and bits of a few others), so finally getting to hear the album in it's entirety will be fantastic.

everyday should be a good day to die.

It's been a while. I know this. But there's good reason. I'll start with today and move backwards. Started out as an average day. Having been wicked busy lately, I finally had a day to sleep in my own bed, take some meds (I've been sick), and sleep until whenever I wanted. After a lazy day, I did the dishes for mom and planned on cleaning my room and job hunting. That's when my sister got a phone call. Her friend Jackie's father had been in an accident and pronounced dead on the scene. It was unexpected. He was outside working when his metal ladder touched a power line and he was electrocuted. I can't even begin to imagine what she must be going through. I wish I could do something to help her or make her feel better. This does, however, shine a new light on life for me. How long this new attitude will last, I don't know. But I realize that life is short and, well, you have to appreciate it while you've got it. "what if God shuffled by one day we might say we're angry not afraid like breathing just to breathe that we might find some reason but there's much to go round that's what's wrong with the world don't lose the dreams inside your head they're only there until you're dead dream" -- You Never Know by DMB On a lighter note: I am now 19. I spent my birthday with good friends and had a really amazing time. I'm truly thankful for my friends and my family. I've also been job hunting and spending a lot of money that I know I shouldn't be. I'm seriously, honestly going to try and live a better, healthier, more open lifestyle from now on. Side note: There's a Pride Festival...party...thing in Ferndale this summer. I'm soooo going.

madness

The Wings are up 2-1 in the series. This is good. Game today at 3pm, we should be back on our toes after Friday's loss. Then Game 5, and it's over. Then on to Pittsburgh. On other news, the camp job is out. I chickened out. Two grand would be nice, but that's my entire summer. Maybe next year? Check out the band Uh Huh Her. Kick ass.

workin' with kids?

Today I had lunch with my mom and this little boy named Zac, whom she works with. Zac's teacher, Omar, started telling me about this camp that he works at during the summer. Long story short, there's a good chance I'll be working as a counselor at this camp for kids with special needs. It should be a spectacular opportunity and I'm quite excited. I just hope that everything works out. More details later.

a million things

Today started out well enough. I was in a spectacular mood. I worked out; twice. I got a job offer. And I had a million things to rant and ramble about on here. But now it's around 9pm and I have a terrible migraine and I can't remember anything I wanted to say. Other than: I really, really, really want to pull my brain out of my head, wash it off, and put it back in. I think that would help things. French toast tomorrow? I think so. I'm also going to look into my tattoos, aka getting them drawn up and priced, in the next few days. There are a few places I can go. I'm not sure which I like best just yet.

talking to myself

I keep telling myself to stop caring. It's really not working. I wish I could post something more than a few vague sentences but there really isn't anything to say.

branching out

This months playlist is a little more...fun? I don't know. I branched out a bit. Still playing some of that indie folk/rock kind of awesomeness but there's something new in there too. Fun stuff to rock out in the car with. Check it.

The city streets were crowded and I felt like I would die.

I keep falling back into old habits. I don't like it.

one year

If you had said to me that, one year from now, this is how my life would be I'd have punched you in the face. It's pretty crazy to think about, in all reality.

welcome to central

Monday, I signed the lease. It's official. I'll be living in an apartment with Kristine, Ilene, and Leah next year (the KILL Aparment LOLZ). Pretty exciting. Also, listen to An Horse. Good music.

ooh yeah, all you got it me

Today, I have know witty quip about escalators, nor do I have some lame gripe about not having "The One" in my life right now. I just would like to say that I am excited for Central. I sign the lease on Monday and things get official. Life is good.

wake up call

I love waking up with texts like this: "I'm so glad I have you in my life. Thanks for being there." It's a good feeling.

and darling

"You break my heart each time you/you slip your hands inside my pockets/tell me nothing else would do/without me, you can't live and/you slip your heart into my chest/ they both become one of the strongest pairs/when strangers come" Is this so much to ask? Only in time.

One day I'll change you'll be the first one that I call.

I've been slacking, no lie. But I've also been busy. In the last few days I've packed up my dorm, thrown my life into a trailer, and headed home to start a new chapter. I got accepted into Central and I've got to get set up for orientation. I already really miss NMU. Not so much the school as the people. I cried on and off the whole ride home. But, needless to say, I'm really excited to start fresh and Central. I also bought a new HP laptop today (first blog on the new computer!), it's pretty amazing. I should probably head to bed though, since I have to be up at the ass crack of dawn to work out, head to the bank, catch a movie with Mom and Zac, and then meet up with Kristine and Anthony. It's so strange being home.

escalator

I like escalators. They're never broken, they just become stairs. We could all learn a lesson from escalators. Happy 4am.

i bet it stung

Irony is my favorite thing about life. Wings game last night was ridiculous, but they pulled a win, aka swept the Jackets! I worked my last midnight to three with Tina, which was sad. I hung out with Lina and Jen and had an amazing time! I even had a good time with Aaron (I know you're reading this!) hanging out in his apartment and eating amazing sugar cookies. And it's finally sinking in that I'm leaving in just four days. I'm really going to miss it. I keep debating staying. I want to stay. I really do. But I don't feel like here is the right place to be anymore. I keep thinking about all of the things I'd miss out on. I could have run for Payne Hall President, worked with Kate, joined a bunch of clubs, and had another amazing three or four years here. Would I be happy? Probably. But the Central has a better program and it's closer to home. And it's not like I've ruled out California even. I wish I could see the future like a movie and let each situation play out and then pick which one I wanted to do. I wish it was that easy. Life is confusing and hard and I hate being so uncertain.

get the brooms

Get the brooms because we're going to sweep the Columbus Blue Jackets! Two more games boys! On the upside, I'm down to one paper (if you don't include the fact that I'm writing Cho's paper too) and one final before I head home. I'm starting to get pretty upset. I'm really going to miss working the desk and all of the really amazing people I've met up here. It won't sink in until I turn in my keys but I will really miss NMU.

april soundtrack

Tryin' something new for today. These are the top ten songs that I've been rockin' out to this month.

Also, Dave Matthews Bootleg Concerts here at www.dreamingtree.org. More or less a link save for myself. Enjoy!

losersayswhat?

Thanks to good 'ol Facebook, I didn't get anything done today. I guess I need someone to blame, right? I still have all night to get two of my three papers done. Then put together my portfolio for EN211B. Then work on Logan's bastard of a paper all week. I'll be set. Basically, my to-do list via blog. Nice.

it's the last chance to feel again

Hell of a weekend, really. It started with a lot of sun and time sitting on the beach, just taking it all in before I leave. The beach is officially my new favorite place to sit and vent. Camping with Justine and Co. was a lot of fun too. I did, however, remember why I'd only been camping once before: the outside is cold, the ground is hard, and, on occasion, people wake up with big, ugly spiders crawling on their pillow. I also ate four hot dogs and about seventy-five s'mores. I was so close to blowing chunks in the morning. Wings won again against the Blues; 4-0. They've been playing really well (by they, I really mean Osgood. He's been keeping the pucks out while the rest just kinda skate around for the first period and then decide to do work.) My favorite part of the game: "He's got two sticks! He can't do that! How does he do that?! He can't do that!" One of the Blues picked up a teammates stick off of the ice and the announcer went absolutely insane. I LOL-ed. A lot. But then the weather got shitty, my sleep habits are off again, and I'm getting pretty anxious and sad about leaving NMU. And tomorrow; ef my life. I have so much to do and I just don't want to. Finals are coming up and I really just want to sit around and read. I won't wake up until 2 at least, and then the loft has to come down at some point. Ef. Ef. Ef. I've never felt this lazy before. "Broken Strings" by James Morrison; sums up my life right now. Sad. Pathetic. True. Hope Dana keeps in mind that Karma is a bitch and she'll get hers. Love it.

short and sweet

I think that it's both really funny (funny sad, not funny haha) and really ironic when people can't handle the truth. They're so good at telling people what's wrong with them, but when it comes to dealing with their own shit? They don't seem to see it. The way I see it, I win though. I don't have to deal with Dana anymore.

we were young and dumb

Sometimes all you really need is a trip to the beach with an old friend to really put life in perspective for you. Do what you love and fuck the rest.

funny the way it is

Dave Matthews Band released their new single entitled "Funny the Way It Is" yesterday along with the cover art for their new album "Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King" (due out on June 2nd), and I must say, it's amazing. Head to their site (www.davematthewsband.com) and download it free this week only. Here are the lyrics and cover art, enjoy! (Thanks Lina for both!) Lyin’ in the park On a beautiful day Sun shine on the grass And the children play Siren’s passin’ Fire engine’s red Someone’s house is burning down On a day like this The evening comes and we’re hangin’ out On the front step And a car goes by with the windows rolled down And that war song is playin “why can’t we be friends?” Someone is screamin’ and cryin’ in the apartment upstairs Funny the way it is And if you think about it Somebody’s is goin’ hungry And someone else is eatin’ now Funny the way it is We’re not alone Somebody’s heart is broken And it becomes your favorite song The way your mouth feels in a lover’s kiss Like a pretty bird on the breeze Or water on a fish But a bomb blast brings the building crashin’ to the floor Hear the laughter while the children play war Funny the way it is And if you think a bout it One kid walks 10 miles to school While another one’s droppin’ out Funny the way it is We’re not alone On a soldier’s last breath His baby’s being born Standin’ on the bridge Watch the water passin’ under me It must have been much harder When there was no bridge just water Now the world is small Remember how it used to be With mountain, and oceans, and winter’s, and river’s and stars Watch the sky in a jet plane So far out of my reach Is there someone up there lookin’ down on me? Boy chase a bird So close but everytime He never catch her But he can’t stop trying Funny the way it is And if you think a bout it One kid walks 10 miles to school While another one’s droppin’ out Funny the way it is We’re not alone On a soldier’s last breath His baby’s being born Funny the way it is We’re not alone Somebody’s heart is broken And it becomes your favorite song Funny the way it is And if you think a bout it One kid walks 10 miles to school While another one’s droppin’ out Standin’ on the bridge Watch the water passin’ under me It must have been much harder When there was no bridge just water Now the world is small Remember how it used to be With mountain, and oceans, and winter’s, and river’s and stars

pull on my hand

Music seems to come into my life at different times. It's always important, but sometimes it's more important than others. Pandora has become my new best friend though. I swear it can read my mind sometimes. My top five bands of the moment are probably Tegan & Sara, The Weepies, Loquat, Ray LaMontagne, and The Sounds. They've all got some really amazing songs. It's funny how a good song can get you through some real shit.

subtle but not underground

Some days, I hate her and realize that I'm better off. Some days, I wish that we could just start over.

Taken I am yours I'm up and doing circles I collapse I might stay out longer than I left the light on for you then If you show you show When I feel like this, when I get so into myself I lose track of where I'm going then, lose track of how to get going again Feel myself slowing down Feel myself turning around Is this taken? When I feel like this, when I get so sick of myself Where are you going then, without me And not knowing then, that we're slowing down You've got to turn right around And tell me that I'm taken then Tell me if I'm yours You collapse The pressure of this life is so you can't be held accountable If you go you go When you act like this, when you get so sick of yourself The whole world falls away, and since I feel like I have only missed The feeling that I'm here again The feeling that I'm clear again I'm not taken When you act like this, when you get so into yourself I lose sight of common goals and letting go So I can be all alone Feel myself going slow, feel myself letting go Not taken, not feeling like I'm yours Taken I am yours I'm up and doing circles I collapse This life looks like a sentence, though a constant game of falling short If you know you know When I feel like this, when I'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect Isn't right for me, I never fight to see if coming clean would get to me I feel myself holding back, I feel the pressure, it's finally back, I'm taken When you felt like this, when you saw it all come crashing down Subtle but not underground, I was there I saw the signs I saw unfair and so I wrote to you through other means I let myself finally feel taken Like I was yours "Are You Ten Years Ago" By Tegan & Sara

stop

I need to stop eating out just because I don't want to eat in the MP. I'm getting fat. Note to self: WORK OUT ONCE IN A WHILE! Also: http://youshouldhaveseenthis.com/

let it be me

I love days when everyone just wants to talk music. Lina, Kate, and Chris all introduced me to new and/or free music. Love it. I can't wait to get home and download some bootleg DMB. If music is a drug, then I'm an addict and, much like Amy Winehouse, if you try to make me go to rehab I'll say "No, no, no." That was lame...I'm really not in the mood to write but I'm trying to not fall out of the habit. I finished season 6 of The L Word. Needless to say, I'm slightly depressed about it. But it was a spectacular show. I love it. Top Three L Girls: 1. Shane 2. Alice 3. Dana I hope that they make a movie. A lot went unanswered. The closer I get to leaving NMU, the more depressed I get. I've made so many amazing friends here and, especially in the last few weeks, gotten really close with a few of them. I won't make the same mistake twice. Meeting as many new people as possible and getting to know them is my new life goal. I'm really looking forward to being more active in the college life next year. I'd love to join a few different clubs at least. Lastly, I'm looking forward to getting two new tattoos (my life number on the inside of my right middle finger and a swallow the back of my right arm) with Tina this coming week. I'm really excited. Last tattoos at Impaled in MQT for a while. Life numbers are pretty dead on. I'm a five: Life Number 5 People blessed with Life Path number 5 usually exhibit a highly advanced mindset with a strong desire to turn out this world a better place to live. Freedom is the essential factor that governs this Life Path number. A natural versatile, audacious and progressive in thinking pattern, these people seek to find many answers related to life itself. Dynamism and persistent improvement are other significant positive traits associated with this number. The preference towards freedom and autonomy may embrace the understanding of humanity at the widest extent. Generally, people with this Life Path number exhibit their excellence in communicative style. They can motivate others greatly with their outstanding conversational ability. Individuals with Life Path number 5 may not stick to the routine task and not show their optimum performance if they are forced to do so. Rather they become enthusiastic if they are exposed to exploratory environment without the essence of any sort of conservative dogma. In romantic endeavor, you do not prefer to go with a hard-fixed norm. This does not necessarily imply that individuals born with this Life Path number are not loyal or unfaithful, but their partners need to understand their unique nature. The people having 5 as Life Path number may not be comfortable with relationships based on resentment and rigidity. They need partners who are able to respect their freedom and autonomy. The negative traits of Life Path number 5 may include inadequate direction, confused characters, restlessness, discontentment, impulsivity. People born with this number may turn out to be irresponsible in various tasks including household and professional areas. The strong desire to chase for adventurous aptitude, it may lead the people with this Life Path number to become self-indulgent and unaware of the feelings of other persons.

frozen hands and feet

It's really rather ironic and...funny in a sad sort of way how one day we think we need someone or something and that we couldn't live without it. The next, we can't remember what made us think that way. It's like an addiction: once you break it, you don't see why you ever needed it in the first place.

tell me that you're happy now

Four more weeks until I am done. I don't have to deal with NMU any more after this. Rewind. I love Northern Michigan University. I've met a lot of really amazing people and had some really great times. It was a good experience. But once the excitement of it all wears off, I realized that I don't know what I'm doing here. With Hannah and I no longer being friends...it's honestly like a thick fog lifting off of my brain. I can think clearly. Good times aside, I was here for the wrong reasons. My new plan is as follows: 1. Go home, enjoy the summer, reconnect with people I've neglected: In all my stupidity, I neglected to enjoy the little things. It was stupid and it won't happen again. 2. Attend OCC: Dropping out of school would be stupid. I'll take classes that I will enjoy and save up some money to get the hell out of Michigan. 3. Work: Make the big bucks so I won't have to beg for food in CA. 4. Get out: That's the best part. California awaits. Not as detailed as it could be, but you get the gist of it. Mom's not happy. Didn't expect her to be. But with everything that I've gotten off my chest lately, I'm really grateful that my family has been supportive. I'm not even 100% sure that that's what I'm going to do. It's the greatest feeling in the world when you have no secrets from anyone and all the bad shit doesn't matter anymore. Everything is going right for the first time in a long time. Since I won't be at NMU, I need to buy a laptop. And I can't decide between a Mac and just a nice gaming computer. Can't really afford either. A digital SLR camera, probably a Nikon or Canon, will be in my near future too. I'm pretty excited. Anyways, this "falling out" that I've had with Hannah...shit. Just let me tell you, best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I am truly happy. No regrets though. Don't ever regret something that once made you happy, right? And I honestly hope she's happy. I hope she goes places in life. Mostly, I just hope that one day we can look back and remember the fun we had the past year or so. Honestly, I miss the idea of her more than I actually miss her though. "The people you love will either leave you or die." Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk Pessimistic. The glass is half empty. Yeah. But true, no less. I just see it as honesty. I'll be a better person for it in the end. This summer I'm going to read. A lot. I ordered a ton of shit off Amazon. And, I'm learning about numerology. It's going to be fun. Moral of the story: I'm really looking forward to the next few weeks. Four more and I plan on making them damn good. Then I'm out. And I can't wait. It's a fresh start. EDIT: This was my horoscope today. "Every good thing must come to an end, and you'll be saying goodbye to a pleasant person or experience today. But don't be too sad for too long -- saying goodbye to one thing just gives you the opportunity to say hello to something new! It is a great day to put into action one of those ideas you've kept simmering on the back burner for so long. You can make something happen and embark on a whole new journey. Take advantage of the possibilities that are all around you."