for my own cause

i am a failure to my own cause
a martyr, at best
wanting so selfishly to
hold
cling to what was never there
so i push
and pull
finding a breaking point
sadly, i found yours
the easy way
and i pushed
until i broke
everything we had
or maybe
you were never there
like you said
"i don't care"
but a lie it must be
you can't fake feelings like those
and if you can,
i don't want to know

2010

Let's ask for a better, happier year for us all. Happy 2010!

"Unless it's mad, passionate, Extraordinary love, It's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life Love shouldn't be one of them." - Dream for an Insomniac

a new year, a better ye...wait a minute!

The end of 2009 is fast approaching and to be honest, I must say good riddance. It wasn't the best year I've ever had. Two "bad romance's" has ruined it for me. I haven't forgotten the good times, but you get the picture.

Anyways, I'm starting the new year with a gyno appointment on the 4th and having my last two wisdom teeth out (with potential loss of feeling in my jaw) on the 5th. Wonderful. The forms for the gyno asked about my marital status. I wrote "not allowed". Hopefully I won't have to do that for the rest of my life, but I'll do it on every form from now on.

hundred

One hundred posts later, and I'm in the same place I was 9 months ago. Heartbroken, alone, and pathetically mopey. Everything hurts, so I stopped sleeping. Because if I sleep, I wake up, and remember all over again how I fucked up. I'm at fault. I don't eat either, and I'm losing weight. I can tell, my ring doesn't fit anymore, and I always lose weight in weird places..instead of, you know, where it counts. Like my ass. I'm a wreck. And it's only going to get worse.

Please note, I now have a personal vendetta against Russians. All of them.

karmic debt

i've got it

untitled

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.” - Chuck Palahniuk

letters

I hate the letter V. It's too damn pointy.
Don't even get my started on W.

III

I ask so little of you.

All I want is your whole heart
your mind
I want to be your every
thought
The reason for your every breath
I want to be the promise you keep
the one
you love
the one
you believe
Who you think about before you sleep
the one
you wake up next to in the morning

I want to be
the one
you keep up all night
with whispers in my ear
and bites on my neck
I want to be your everything

Because that's all you've ever been to me.

II

You'd think the cold of winter
would keep this pain vague and empty
Like after you left
My fingers turn blue
black
digging into the snow where they etch
Deep grooves
Like you etched on the walls of my skull
so that I'd never forget

I

Apparently, I write poetry on my phone at work. Here's poem I..of V. We'll see which ones actually get put up

If you're gonna lie to me
try and do it right.
Make yourself convincing;
make the words cut deeper
than any razorblade that's touched
you
but you can't and
you won't.
You don't really want to.
You'll push away
that's fine.
Because I'll only pull you closer.
Perhaps I'll only reassure your fears
that this is real.
True.
But it's all I know how be.

another unidentified poem aka everything was black

"I can't see that road sign from here."
"That's not something you say to someone like me."
"I can't see our future from here."
"That's not something you say to someone you're in love with."
"Ok..food?"
"Let's hit McDonald's."
"Let's."

new

I needed something new. Pretty sure I hate it..I really need to work on this Adobe shit.

an undefined poem

With you, I read between the lines:
The small words used to distract from the truth,
while you run, pushed apart like north and south.
I'll admire every step. Respect
every move.
Like a game of strategy. Trust me?
I think
maybe.
The past is still present in your eyes.
And I beg, let it taint you.
And
Dig
at your soul.
Please, push me. Take my sternum, break it.
Shatter it into impossible shapes.
The things I've seen. Terrible scenes.
But you know as well as I:
That look of hunger in your eyes, it's been there
from the start.

melancholy christmas

Of all the Christmas's I've had in my life, this has been the worst by far. As you get older, the excitement of waking up early to see what Santa brought, eating an early breakfast, heading to church (I'm sure I'd burst into flame now, just walking through the door), and spending the day with family fades into a melancholy feeling, watching your family argue over whether or not those dinosaurs are animatronic while grandma sobs alone in the corner because she's convinced that this is the first Christmas without Grandpa around, and your kids cousin screams about presents.

Maybe Christmas was never all that great? Just a thought played up by my parents to distract me from the things that I now find unbearable?

Happy Holidays and Bah-humbug.

when words fail, music tells all

feeling poetic? not quite.

My sleep schedule is completely fucked. I've no idea why I follow her the way I do, mimicking her movements, her habits. Must be in the way she looks at me.

the people that you've been before

Metric has been one of my favorite bands lately and I must say, they do a damn good cover of this Elliott Smith's song "Between the Bars". Check it out: