i deleted you from twitter. i stopped stalking your tumblr. i've managed to ignore your facebook. every text i believe is from you. every second i'm hoping you call. i know this is the beginning. this is how it always goes.
i don't sleep.
when i do, i wake up in a panic and reality sinks in.
i don't eat.
when i do, i vomit until my throat burns.
i don't think about anything else.
when i do, it's things that lead back to you.
it's going to be like this for a while. i know. slowly, i believe, you will fade from my life like the others before and eventually i'll be able to listen to those songs again and not think about you. i hate you for doing this to me. i hate you for dragging me around for four months.
i hate you because i don't hate you at all.
i wasn't what you wanted.
this will be on your terms. like always.
always.
i know you're going to call. maybe. one day. and you're going to "be honest" with me. and i won't hear what i want to hear and i will get upset and disappointed and i will crumble and shatter all over again.
i lied.
i don't want answers.
i want you.
5.23.2010
5.19.2010
cobain's suicide note and a response
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we’re back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it’s not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.
I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
—
despite the cliche of relating to a suicidal rock star, i can. i swore i’d never feel this way, but humanity is shit. we take for granted everything we have. we don’t appreciate any of it. not the way we should. if life is so fucking precious, why do i feel like i’m wasting it. all it is is loss. we lose all the time. first, our naivety and innocence, then our freedoms, our loved ones, our sense of self, our trust, our hope, use of of organs, until we are nothing. i can’t wrap my head around it. what’s the point of it all? since when is a lifetime of pain worth a few moments of happiness? why do we bother when eventually we’re buried beneath six feet of dirt with dead flowers rotting with the tears and pain of those we left behind?
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we’re back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it’s not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.
I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
—
despite the cliche of relating to a suicidal rock star, i can. i swore i’d never feel this way, but humanity is shit. we take for granted everything we have. we don’t appreciate any of it. not the way we should. if life is so fucking precious, why do i feel like i’m wasting it. all it is is loss. we lose all the time. first, our naivety and innocence, then our freedoms, our loved ones, our sense of self, our trust, our hope, use of of organs, until we are nothing. i can’t wrap my head around it. what’s the point of it all? since when is a lifetime of pain worth a few moments of happiness? why do we bother when eventually we’re buried beneath six feet of dirt with dead flowers rotting with the tears and pain of those we left behind?
5.18.2010
enjoy
enjoy your bottle of wine.
enjoy waking up alone.
enjoy running back to chris.
enjoy your miserable need for drama.
enjoy not having me around.
just fucking enjoy.
enjoy waking up alone.
enjoy running back to chris.
enjoy your miserable need for drama.
enjoy not having me around.
just fucking enjoy.
so i can't make up my fucking mind? so what?!
it turns out that even i have a breaking point. i didn't think i did. not with kayla. but when she has done nothing for me but pick me up just to throw me right back under the next passing bus..i can't handle it. i don't want to be someones backup plan. i don't want to be someones fallback. i want to be loved. i want someone who will treat me exactly how i deserve to be treated. i want someone who is sure and stable and ready to be happy and have something permanent without the drama and the bullshit. i sound like a fucking middle school child. but i should have listened to my gut from the get-go.
5.15.2010
working
i just got called in for a job interview with family video tomorrow. i am absolutely geeked! i hope it goes well.
5.13.2010
not even an hour
not even an hour later and already you're thinkin' to yourself "bad timing, that's all this is".
you are an idiot. remember this: I TOLD YOU SO.
you are an idiot. remember this: I TOLD YOU SO.
the last promise
right now, i just need to write. to vent. to get this all out before i take it out on kayla. i need to remember exactly what i'm feeling right now so i never let this happen again. i need to be able to look back and think "wow, kid, you are a dumbass. you fell for that?! more than once?!"
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. but fool me a third time? i am an idiot.
i thought kayla parks was "it". she was...is...perfect for me. she is everything i could ever hope for in a significant other. i fought for three months for her to be mine. she has been back and forth so many times now, i have lost count. tonight will serve as the last night. the promises i made to her will be the last promises i ever make. to anyone. i've said it before, i went back on my word, and i got fucked. i tried so hard to be everything she needed. to be stable footing for her to thrive from and she stepped on my back until it broke. i doubt i will ever walk again. i thought nothing would ever hurt worse than rachael cowan and the things she did to me. i was wrong. she topped rachael. she topped rachael. fucking imagine that.
fool.
fool.
fool.
never, ever forget this pain. hold it with you. tight to your chest until you are it's host. this little alien parasite known as "love" or "hate" or whatever this feeling is, i'm hosting it. for eternity. it will ravage my body, sucking blood from vital organs until i am a husk. empty and void. null. nothing.
remember this feeling.
hold tight.
you don't ever want to do this again.
no girl is ever worth this much pain.
fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. but fool me a third time? i am an idiot.
i thought kayla parks was "it". she was...is...perfect for me. she is everything i could ever hope for in a significant other. i fought for three months for her to be mine. she has been back and forth so many times now, i have lost count. tonight will serve as the last night. the promises i made to her will be the last promises i ever make. to anyone. i've said it before, i went back on my word, and i got fucked. i tried so hard to be everything she needed. to be stable footing for her to thrive from and she stepped on my back until it broke. i doubt i will ever walk again. i thought nothing would ever hurt worse than rachael cowan and the things she did to me. i was wrong. she topped rachael. she topped rachael. fucking imagine that.
fool.
fool.
fool.
never, ever forget this pain. hold it with you. tight to your chest until you are it's host. this little alien parasite known as "love" or "hate" or whatever this feeling is, i'm hosting it. for eternity. it will ravage my body, sucking blood from vital organs until i am a husk. empty and void. null. nothing.
remember this feeling.
hold tight.
you don't ever want to do this again.
no girl is ever worth this much pain.
5.02.2010
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